What Is Your Greatest Need?

May 7th, 2009

This essay evolved from a writing prompt in the Storytelling Writer’s Group I belong to. The question asked, “What is your greatest need?” With Dr, Marie Olwell’s permission I am printing her response.

May 3, 2009

First of all to be “needy” rings a bell for me that says, “Do I really want to be needy?” So maybe I would change it to your “Greatest desire”.

At this point in my life I desire to have a full life – I have a need to explore different avenues, people, places, new ideas – deal with challenges – to keep the “pot burning”!- to continue to be stimulated – to be alive- to explore new ideas – to search new ways of doing things- to be energized by meeting new people.
I have the need to “shake the dust off my psychological feet” – to live life to the full – to discount age- to have a healthy body and open mind-to do daring things – to splash about in life’s waters – to ride on a dolphin!

Thank you Marie for a thought-provoking response and for allowing me to share it!

The Cycle Of Domestic Violence

April 4th, 2009

Psychologist providing online therapy and couseling via phone, email, or chat.

Probably no one on the planet who has a computer or tv does not know that Chris Brown was arrested for assaulting Rihanna. For more of the sordid details about this debaucle visit TMZ. Since I don’t know either of these two celebrities I cannot comment on their personalities or character. I do know it is wrong to batter another human being.
Were you aware that domestic violence has a cyclic conponent to it and that the violence does escalate as time passes. The longer the individual stays in the violent relationship the greater the chance that they will be severely hurt or killed. If you need help here are the numbers of the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. They answer their phones, 24/7 –365 days a year.
There are three basic phases, the first is the tension. During this phase the anger and tension are building the abuser may act short-tempered, complaining about everything, dissatisfied with their partner, etc. The second phase is when the battering takes place. This can include hitting, verbal, emotional, and/or sexual abuse. The abuser is verbally and physically out of control. The third phase is the honeymoon. During this phase the abuser acts contrite and often is loving and attentive. He promises never to be hurtful again.
Domestic violence always escalates and the incidents occur closer together as time passes. If you have been battered please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. Help is available.

The Gifts Of Storytelling

April 1st, 2009

A friend sent me an invitation to join a storytelling writing group, facilitated by a mutual acquaintance Dr. Marie Olwell whose sister had written a book, Have I Got A Story For You, on this specialized form of writing. Intrigued, I signed up without any preconceived notions.
In a personal storytelling writing group, your thoughts are directed to past events. These past events are described by each writer with the intent to evoke images and feelings. Ghosts of the past can and do emerge. Framing memories can dramatically alter one’s perceptions. A “story” is a vehicle for individuals to interpret past experiences as positive or negative. Writing a story about past events is transformative, in that it enables the writer to “reframe” what the experience means to him or her. It always begins with a writing “prompt.”

Some form of writing group has been a part of my existence for the last 15 years. Each group had its own distinct flavor, but they were all similar in their intent to allow individuals to critique and be critiqued. Experience has taught me that the writing group experience is often helpful, sometimes painful, and every once in a while, brutal.
I was hoping the storytelling writing group was much of the former, and very little of the latter. With an air of expectation and a dash of excitement, I walked into the conference room. Four women were seated around a long tea-colored table. Dr. Marie, the facilitator, was the only woman I knew but the others were smiling in a welcoming and friendly way.
Oh, I was excited as I sat down, not only were the chairs comfortable but they had wheels, so I could move around a bit if I needed to. This may be the best writing group yet I thought to myself. Never underestimate the power of wheeled chairs and friendly people.
We began the traditional way, by introducing ourselves and sharing a few personal details, and then Marie asked us to share our expectations of this group experience. She explained to us that this was a writing, not a therapy group. The intent was to share our stories, but no critiquing would be involved. Hmmm . . . Well, this was going to be a very different kind of group—no therapy, no critiquing, lots of writing and sharing.
Now where did that skeptical inner voice come from, she was yelling in my head, “Are you crazy? You don’t want to share your life stories, besides, you don’t do this kind of writing. You’re gonna be sorry” Pesky thing that she is, always a downer, telling me I cannot or do not want to do something. I ignored her, well, for the most part.
Our task was to write our stories, share as much as or little detail as we were comfortable with based on the “prompts” Dr Marie provided. Each two-hour group would include at least two writing prompts. Our first was to write an essay completing the phrase “I am grateful for. . .” We were instructed not to be concerned with anything but writing our stories. She reminded us we would share our work but not judge or seek flaws. How freeing, no rewrites– sort of like-life.
After about 15 minutes, we were instructed to stop, and we took turns reading our stories out loud. Our responses to one another were supportive, affirming, and encouraging. It was easy to share. I knew this was going to be a safe place to write and connect with myself and the other women.
Since the beginning, each group has been different because of our story prompts. We’ve written about: our birth, favorite birthday, first day of school, favorite or least favorite home, a time when we were greatly embarrassed, and many more.
As we share we learn about other’s lives, shared commonalities, and differences of our life experiences. Marie will ask, “How did it feel to share this with the group?” or
“What is it like to write about this after all these years have passed?” There has never been a time when a story has been shared and someone in the group has been unable to affirm and support the person sharing their story. Sometimes highly personal and emotional, whatever is shared is accepted in an environment of caring and concern.
The constant themes have been empowering ourselves and one another and trusting our intuition. Story after story taps into these issues.
Collectively and individually we are able to acknowledge, appreciate, honor, and extol our similarities and our differences in ourselves and one another. I encourage everyone who loves to write to find a storytelling writing group or create one of your own. The journey is incredible, and the healing comes in the telling.

Blogging: Addiction or Conviction

February 19th, 2009

As as psychologist and an avid fan of both blogging and reading blogs, I think it is important to address the psychological challenges bloggers can face. All is not always rosy in Blogger Land. Believe it or not, it is possible to become addicted to this social medium. In this article I examine some of the myths, behaviors, personality characteristics, and red flags of a blogging addiction.
Here are some common myths about bloggers and addiction.
I can’t be addicted to blogging because it isn’t a mind-altering chemical.
I am employed, and only blog when I am not busy with my job, although I might blog at work if I have time.
I only blog on important topics – well, important topics to me.
I only blog to make a difference in people’s lives. If I don’t do it, who will?
I can stop blogging anytime I want. I just don’t want to stop. This is not hurting me or anyone else.
I am not addicted, that is a term for alcoholics and substance abusers – coke heads, meth addicts. Blogging isn’t a drug.
I still go to work every day and it doesn’t count if I work on my blog(s) during my downtime or check the website(s) for comments.
I hardly ever use a sick day to stay home and blog or to catch up on errands that didn’t get completed because of blogging.
Do you recognize yourself in any of those?
There are also some behaviors that have been identified as common in addictive personalities. With respect to blogging, these include:
Denying there is an issue with blogging. Denial is the ability to overlook negative consequences so as to be able to justify continuing to engage in a behavior. There might be an awareness that the blogging is creating turmoil, but the desire to blog is stronger than the pressure to stop. Loss of control, being unable to stop the behavior, and continuing to engage in the behavior regardless of adverse consequences are some of the most definitive features of addiction.
Lying about the time spent engaged in “blogging behaviors.”
Losing track of time and being late for events, appointments, and celebrations because of blogging.
Changes in sleep habits and patterns because of blogging or needing to respond to comments. Getting up in the middle or the night or very early before going to work to check the blog, write the blog, or make comments.
Feeling guilty or confused about the effect blogging is having on your life.
Disbelief that it is possible to be addicted to blogging.
Financial problems due to blogging—such as not paying bills on time because of being consumed by blogging.
Not all of these may apply, but if more than two describe you and your current blogging lifestyle it could be a red flag that blogging is impacting your life in a negative manner.
To sort this out, ask yourself the following questions:
Have you ever lost time from work because of blogging?
Does blogging create problems for you with other people in your life?
Do you blog because you feel shy and uncomfortable around others?
Have you ever felt guilty about blogging?
Have you ever argued with someone significant in your life about blogging and the time constraints involved?
Are you more careless in other areas of your life because of blogging?
Have you lost interest in other areas of your life since beginning to blog?
Do you blog to escape anything in your life?
Do you use blogging as a replacement for social interactions in the real world?
Do you feel compelled to blog and then feel a sense of elation once the blog entry is published – yet the high is short-lived and you feel compelled to begin again?
Do you feel restless if you do not blog?
If you answered “Yes” to two or more of those questions, blogging could be taking over your life.
Finally, let’s consider the characteristics of an addictive personality in general.
Impatience with self and others.
Anxiety in an exaggerated form. It is normal to feel anxious, but in addicts it is constant and chronic. Using the substance of choice, whether it be alcohol, substances, or the Internet, brings momentary relief.
Grandiosity – feelings of deep worthlessness and low self-esteem covered by haughtiness or pretending to “have It all together.”
Perfectionism – setting impossible and improbable goals for oneself. Perceived failures result in guilt and self-deprecation.
Rationalizations – Addicts of any sort are pros at this. Finding justifications for doing what one wants and making it all seem reasonable and plausible.
Isolation – Blogging is so consuming that it prohibits you from forming deep and lasting relationships outside the Internet world. You becomes a loner in the real world.
Sensitivity – to criticisms from others related to blogging behaviors.
Impulsivity – Having a great idea for a blog post and feeling the need to address it and write about it immediately. Becoming irritated if you are unable to blog when the idea presents itself.
Dependence – A strong dependence on others’ reactions and responses to what was posted. A need to be affirmed.
Discussing blogging as an addiction may seem odd, but it is possible to become addicted to anything. Addiction is addiction is addiction, regardless of the substance of choice. Can you identify with much of what has been written in this piece? A “Yes” may indicate a need to take a hiatus from the blogosphere for a time. If you are unable to stop blogging, then talking to a professional about this compulsion may be helpful. Underneath an addiction is a whole host of unresolved issues. The addiction just momentarily medicates the pain

Emotional Freedom Therapy

February 8th, 2009

Emotional Freedom Therapy
Emotional Freedom Therapy (EFT) is a simple, easy technique to learn which eliminates or lessens the emotional pain in trauma, abuse, panic, anxiety, fears, phobias, mild depression, addictions, and physical symptoms whose root causes lie in unresolved emotional issues.

Let me explain how it works and this is very simplistic on my part. EFT uses fourteen of the acupressure points from traditional Chinese medicine. Practioners use a different number of points, many use 8, others a few more. The beauty of this technique is that it is self-administered. Once you learn the simple “Tapping Techniques” you have mastered EFT. You tap with your fingers on pressure points along energy meridians in your body. You can download a a free EFT manual to facilitate learning more.

Indeed, EFT is a very simple technique and you may have instant success with it on many emotional and physical issues. However, it is not always a simplistic technnique, and many choose to work with an EFT professional. Some issues are complicated by our saboteurs and underlying core issues that need to be resolved first. Gary Craig, the originator of EFT, has an extensive website with a wealth of information available. See www.emofree.com.

There are all kinds of research studies which confirm the effectiveness of EFT. Take a look and discover how and where it has been used with great success.

I have been fortunate because a mental health professional that I respect and admire taught EFT to me.Katherine Nuyens has a wonderful, gentle way of teaching and helping. She is willing to answer your questions via
email . Thank you Katherine for helping me improve my life. You are the best!

Who Would You Put In Your Lifeboat?

February 5th, 2009

This Lifeboat exercise is not an original idea that I can claim germinated in my creative unconscious. Unfortunately, I don’t know whom to give the credit to. It’s been a part of my knowledge base for a long while. Kudos to the creator!

Once or twice a year I recreate the Lifeboat experience in my journal. Over time, some of the individuals chosen have remained; others whom I selected are replaced at a later point. This exercise reminds me to appreciate those people who are important to me, people I trust my life with.

Sometimes the most challenging part for me is being honest with myself about my true feelings for family and friends. As I seek to identify who is set adrift with me and why, I examine my reasons for excluding certain people. This is one of my “Food for Thought” exercises for my psyche and my life. I hope you find it useful too.

Once upon a time (isn’t that how all fairy tales begin?) you find yourself in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. You are there through unforeseen and unknown circumstances, but nonetheless you are there. You’re allowed to choose nine others to be with you in the boat.

There are only two rules in making your choices. First, the people you select to accompany you in your seafaring craft must be those individuals you really want to be there. Adding family members out of a sense of obligation, not desire, will negate the experience and your boat will sink.

Second, although the nine people chosen can be alive or deceased, you must know (or have known) all of them personally. Sorry, no Winston Churchill, Shakespeare, Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, Biden, McCain, Obama, or Palin. (Although the last four in a lifeboat, with or without six others, would be fascinating.)

You can take as much time as you need to complete your list. Be as honest as you can, but only you will know the truth of your choices. If you are comfortable with sharing your selections and the reasons for them, write them in a comment below. Bon Voyage!

How To Choose A Mental Health Professional

February 4th, 2009

Choosing a mental health professional can be confusing and challenging. Usually by the time people contact one, they have exhausted all their other avenues of symptom relief and emotional support. Before buying a new product or a new car, many consumers try to read as much as they can before making the purchase. The same is true for mental health services. Here are some guidelines to help you make the best choice.

Trust your gut instincts. If during your interactions with the professional, you are uncomfortable, pay attention to your feelings. Know that you can discuss this fact with the professional if you choose to do so. It is important to find someone you can trust, someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your challenges. Being non-judgmental is an important trait in a therapist; you must know you will be accepted and respected. It is appropriate to interview the mental health professional before choosing him or her to be your therapist.

Know that you have the right to know any and all diagnoses the mental health professional will potentially be giving you on your insurance forms.

You have the right to refuse to answer any questions.

You have the right to know how long the mental health professional expects the treatment to last.

You have the right to be treated with respect, never belittled or made fun of. The two of you can laugh together about something, but it is inappropriate for you to be laughed at.

You have the right to ask any questions related to your treatment.

Your mental health professional should never touch you in a sexual manner: no fondling, sitting on the therapist’s lap, kissing, or sex of any type.

Only seek care from a professional who is licensed. This can be a psychologist (PhD), psychiatrist (MD), licensed professional counselor (LPC), licensed social worker (LCSW), or licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). Licensed professionals are required to take a test and have a specific number of hours of supervision providing therapy before they qualify to sit for their licensing exams.

You have the right to look at your records kept by the mental health professional. It is your right to ask for a copy; however there may be a fee involved for copying the records.

Know that when you don’t want to go to the therapy session is when you need to go the most. Often this takes place when you are avoiding confronting or dealing with a painful issue. Therapy is work.

In the beginning sessions, please know you may feel worse before you feel better. Think of it as ripping off a scab or a cut that has become infected: it hurts, until the infection is treated and resolved. Therapy works the same way.

Know that it takes great strength and courage to share your thoughts, concerns, challenges, and issues with a stranger, even a professional.

The more honest you are with yourself and the mental health professional, the easier it is to move forward.

You are not required to tell the professional everything, because no one ever does.

It is inappropriate for the mental health professional to fall asleep, pay bills, talk on the phone unless it’s an emergency call, or do paperwork not related to you during the session. The focus needs to be on you.

Ask for clarification if you are confused about anything that the mental health professional asks of you.

You have the right to have a phone number to contact the professional in case of an emergency.

You have a right to know about the mental health professional’s training and credentials.

It is important to know that if you are suicidal or homicidal, the mental health professional is bound by law to break confidentiality. This is called “The Duty To Warn.” If you are ever suicidal or homicidal, please call 911 or 800-784-2433 which is a suicide hotline; teens can call 800-999-9999. You can also email the Samaritans and they will respond within 24 hours. If you are outside the USA, contact Befrienders for help and support.

A mental health professional is also bound to break confidentiality if a child or elderly person is being abused.

Most important, know there is hope and healing.

Casey Anthony: Profile Of A Sociopath

February 1st, 2009

Casey Anthony has finally been indicted for the first-degree murder of her daughter, Caylee Anthony. Casey is a sociopathic, superficial sensationalist. To a mental health professional, she fits the description of someone with an antisocial personality disorder – just a fancy name for “sociopath.”

The disorder is recognizable by a lack of concern for others, as evidenced by her behavior after Caylee disappeared. She did not call 911 to report her daughter missing; that task was left to her mother, weeks after Caylee disappeared. While her daughter was missing, Casey was out ”clubbing”, buying lingerie and other sundry items for herself from Target, and cooking dinner for her boyfriend and his roommates.

Casey has consistently displayed contempt towards authority figures, masked by a thin veneer of civility. Listening to the police tapes, it is easy to see that Casey appears to be quite respectful to the police interviewers. She portrays herself during these interviews as one who has been wronged by a (fictitious) babysitter named Zanny, who, according to her story, kidnapped her beloved Caylee. Casey has been, according to her and to her family, maligned, misunderstood, and martyred.

In reality, Casey believes she is above the law. She presents herself as a mother who is only interested in finding her child. Yet she has done nothing but lie to the police and fabricate stories.

Everything she does is designed to protect herself by outwitting and outsmarting the legal authorities. She continues to display a great disdain for law enforcement, as evidenced by her unwillingness to tell the truth or be in any way helpful in locating her daughter.

Socioopaths are superficially charming in their ongoing attempts to get their own way. Casey has the capacity to read others quickly and recognize their vulnerabilities. Once recognized, she knows how to exploit others’ weaknesses. She seems to have no qualms about violating the rights of others. Casey stole her friend’s checkbook and wiped out her bank account, and not a cent of the money was spent on Caylee.

It is typical for sociopaths to engage in illegal or deceitful behaviors. Compulsive lying is the norm. Guilt and remorse are not in their vocabulary. All sociopaths are incapable of feeling sorrow or sadness for their wrongdoings and destructive behaviors. Any tears you might see are for themselves. “I am crying because I got caught, not because I am sorry for anything I have said or done.” On some level, a sociopath takes perverse pleasure in getting away with illegal, irresponsible behaviors. Yes, a sociopath takes great joy in taking from others. “Joy” is the correct word.

To a sociopath, others are always expendable: family, friends, acquaintances. Once others have been bled dry, the sociopath moves on. Loyalty is not a part of who they are. They have no desire to change and no insight into their own behaviors and motivations. Caylee is missing, but Mom is partying and lying to both her friends and family about her daughter’s whereabouts.

Sociopaths are narcissistic and exhibitionistic, with no sense of shame. Nothing exists in their world but what they want – the ultimate “Me, Me, Me” syndrome. They are characterized by an excessive superficiality, in both thoughts and behaviors. They are easily bored and made restless by day-to-day responsibilities, an attitude which makes consistent parenting a drag and an impossibility. Sociopaths create their own reality, and in this instance, Casey’s world did not include her daughter.

Casey was a parasite, living off of others. She had no high-school education, no job, no goals, no direction. But, to hear her story, she worked at Universal Studios and was attending college. A sociopath always views his or her problems as stemming from flaws in others, rather than taking responsibility for his or her own issues and the havoc they have created.

As a sociopath, Casey wants to control her own destiny and create her own reality, abhorring any form of criticism or denigration. At some point, she might experience feelings of depression. These feelings would not be because her daughter is missing or dead, but because she lacks the freedom she craves. Having been arrested and accused, she is no longer in charge of her own fate, and for a sociopath, who values freedom more than anything else, that is devastating.

Interestingly, sociopaths like Casey will expect others to attempt to belittle or use them. At times, the sociopath will willingly act in such a manner as to induce others to legitimately respond in a hostile or angry manner. Casey has repeatedly demonstrated this with her continued lying, lack of sadness about her daughter’s disappearance, and few displays of emotions related to the fact that her daughter Caylee is missing or dead. Listening to the taped interviews, one can easily discern that Casey expresses almost no emotion when discussing her daughter’s disappearance.

Sociopaths are incapable of remaining in love, or of even selflessly loving anyone. Their sex lives are most often impersonal and chaotic, and frequently they are bisexual. There is in them an emptiness, a coldness, a disconnection from others and themselves. Casey is incapable of truly understanding how much others can be made to suffer as a result of her behavior. It does not compute.

A sociopath’s motto is: Competition is king, survival the agenda, and no one is ever, ever, ever to be trusted. A sociopath’s mantra: “Do unto others before they do unto you.”